Ghosts

     When Spencer was in the NICU, I coped quite well.  I had a hard time right after he was born, which is expected I suppose.  I didn't want him to suffer...to live a life where he would be mocked and made to feel less valuable in a society where people with disabilities aren't seen as humans by the so-called norm of society.  Back then, I didn't know the gifts that he would bring to the world.  It took me a good two weeks to stop putting on a brave face and to take things head on. 
     Jimmy slowly retreated in himself.  It happens.  He still can't explain how he felt or why, but he was the poster child of someone suffering from severe post traumatic stress disorder.  It's no secret that we separated for a while, mainly because how each of us handled Spencer's birth.  To me, he became someone else entirely.  To him, my need to feel in control consumed our lives and obliterated his freedoms. 
     While the NICU days creep up and haunt me every once in a while, I've handled it all pretty well.  I've never felt consumed by it, until now.  I'm going to have another baby in 9 weeks, and I'm currently consumed in the thoughts that I've now given her birth defects because I used goo off on the kitchen floor liberally, or I was in the house while Jimmy was polyurethaning the floors or using mineral spirits.  I'm so anxious and worried that I've done something to her.  I'm fairly intelligent...I realize that the level of exposure I've had contains very small risks.  When I have done anything in the house, or even when Jimmy has, I've been well ventilated and haven't felt the effects of any fumes.  Even the OBGYN tells me I'm fine.  This all started when I had to wipe my hands off with paint thinner because I couldn't get something oil based off them.  Dumb, I know, but it didn't occur to me as dangerous until I still smelt it on my hands after washing them with soap. 
     It's all I've thought about all day.  It's not even the thought of having another child with Special Needs that bothers me...we can handle that.  It's me doing something that could cause her to have problems.  I can't shake this, and I'm worried the anxiety is going to keep on getting worse and worse.